i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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