I heard we made out
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
