I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
