I bet he comes in French.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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