this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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