Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
