i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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