kristin has been a bad kristin
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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