My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
