He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he fucked my hip out of place.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
