I need help removing her.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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