Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
