The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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