Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
