my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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