Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
