I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
