I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
