I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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