Im at strip club and am horny
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
