He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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