It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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