The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
