my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
