Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
