Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
