They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
