I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
