My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
