Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
our cab driver is having phone sex.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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