U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
