WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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