You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
