Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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