So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
