Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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