if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
