And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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