you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
