i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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