Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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