I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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