"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
