I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
