she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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