I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
