Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
