he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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