Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I didn't notice because vodka
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
