You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
